Letter From a Nut (inspired by Ted L. Nancy)

In Which Ted L. Nancy Inquires About Job in Santa's Workshop

Dear Santa,

I am writing to inquire about employment opportunities you may have this year in your workshop. From my enclosed resume (Rudolph wrapping paper), you will see that I have many qualifications to serve the needs of the Christmas holiday. I even like kids!

For example, snow shoveling. Since I have lived in Minnesota all of my life, I have many years of practical snow shoveling experience (not just managing snow shoveling). I believe that this could be applied toward digging out your sleigh during unexpected blizzard conditions. Though I have not actual experience digging out aviation vehicles, I am willing to learn. Moreover, I am capable of withstanding sub-zero weather conditions. (More Minnesota experience.)

Another qualification is my attire. I have a red nose that glows (fake) over my nose (real) that I wear as a prosthetic when my disability keeps me from my duties in the workplace (holiday blues).

I would especially enjoy a position in your gift-wrapping department as an assistant bow tier. I have the perfect shaped finger for holding down first knots while the senior bow tier can complete the second. I received my 2-year bow-tying certification from National American Tech with a focus on efficiency where I developed my ambidextrous skills (a plus).

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. I am desperate for work. The coal you left me last year is almost gone!

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy