Letter From a Nut (inspired by Ted L. Nancy)

In Which Eddie Gein Requests Inclusion on Santa's Vendors List

Dear Mr. Claus,

I am writing to inquire about the possibility of being added to your vendor list. From the enclosed fabric samples and promotional materials, you'll find my work is AUTHENTIC and each piece literally ONE OF A KIND.

I recently relocated to the Pacific coast where my suppliers are able to provide a special line of tanned leathers that wear quite well as a result of a patented, heat-curing process particular to this region. Special coconut oil is slathered onto the material, keeping it supple and soft, long after tanning.

The leather can turn delightful shades of brown: russet, cocoa, deep butterscotch and olive. Over-cured leathers are especially delightful with their red tones and frecklings -- my suppliers aren't too fond of creating the latter, but my retailers can't get enough of them!

Don't be fooled by the imitations! A new product, 0SPF, is out on the market that merely colors the leather. I'm told that consumers often find that the coloring bleeds onto their clothing. And there is a curing process that uses heat beds to produce similar effects on leather that I am accustomed to designing with. But these offer only synthetic, industrial colorings by unprepared, undertrainned tanners.

So when you elect Gein Custom Designed Furniture, you can expect nothing less than true authenticity of design and genuine, natural West Coast tanned leathers. *Please note that we accept FREE RANGE ONLY!

Materials are plentiful, so I'm certain I will be able to meet whatever your level of demand.

Please contact me post haste.

Respectfully,