FAUX NEWS

Tooth Fairy Helps Self to More Teeth

I have to preface this piece by saying that Mark made me do it. (haha) Actually, it's a piece I wrote for a writer's group exercise in which we could choose to do one of two things.

We could expound on a photograph on the cover of The Onion (entitled the same) which was a photo of scattered cash covered with a bloodied pillow holding pile of teeth on it. Photo from September 07, 2004 Issue of The Onion

Or, we could write about why Amy, another one of our writer's group members didn't show up for writer's group.This activity is customary when someone can't attend for whatever reason.

I combined both.

Tooth Fairy Helps Self to More Teeth: Truth Uncovered

In local news, writer and poet Amy Tougas was reported missing after her absense at the Chez Cafe Witer's Group meeting in Brooklyn Center last week. Police discovered Tougas, 30, uncounscious in her bedroom, victim of an unprecedented tooth extraction. The young woman was rushed to North Memorial Hospital in critical condition.

Investigators on the scene suspect Tougas was the third victim of the Tooth Fairy, who was arrested in her home at 8 pm this Monday evening. Fairy declined to comment to reporters. When taken into custody, Ms. Fairy's attorney, Tina Kerbell of Kerbell, Meriweather and Doc, said "My client is innocent. This is a frame job."

Investigators have turned their attention to other suspects related to these pullings after Fairy had produced a credible alibi. Boe Gieman, Fairy's ex-husband is next on their list on account of their recent divorce and extreme jealousy of Fairy's new friend Thes Andman.

"He went into a rage," said Applebee's brown-haired, blue-eyed Tuesday and Thursday 3rd-shift bartender, who wishes to remain annonymous. "When he saw [Fairy and Andman] coming in togther, [Gieman] started yelling at them. He broke a chair, and so I asked him to leave." That was several months ago.

Sources say that Gieman, who denied having a probable motive for collecting so many teeth, was unable to dispute the DNA evidence on a set of pliers matching that of Tougas and two of the other extraction victims. This put the pliers on the crime scene, sources say. When asked for comment, Gieman replied, "Those aren't mine."

Meantime, Fairy has been released from the county jail, but will be expected to appear in court next week for a primary hearing.

Residents of Brooklyn Park are relived that they have a probable suspect in custody. Fairy's neighbor, Cindy Rella called Gieman "strange and dark."

"I never trusted that man. I always kept the lights on."